So now, you are wondering, why mention whale jizz? And please, don't get this confused with WHALE JAZZ! Though I hear whale jazz is pretty freakin awesome.
You got the spazmatic stylings of Samson the Spermwhale on the Keys. The always gnarly Nicolai the Narwhal manning the bass. And that sexy, smooth brotha Oleander the Orca playing sweet heaven on the sax.SIDE NOTE: Damn, I really need to upgrade to Photoshop or something. I'm still using the regular "paint" program that all computers come with. Sorry for the picture quality folks, you get what you pay for. And since NONE of ya'll have decided to donate to the Reset Button Image Quality Improvement Commission (RBIQIC), you're gonna have to suffer through some crappy graphics.
OK, back to the whale jizz...shoot, I'm pretty sure I'll never have to type or say that again for the next three life times.
SIDE NOTE: If in a previous life I was ever alive in the New England region in the 1800's I'm pretty sure I would have wanted to be a whaler. Those guys were all balls. You would go out to sea following the biggest animals on earth, then you would climb into a 12 foot dingy and try to kill it with a pointy stick. BALLS! Wait.....on second thought, I'd probably just be a whaler groupie. I'll just stay on land and eat crab cakes. CRAB CAKES!
The reason I bring all of this whaling topics up is due to my initial reaction when trying a new hair product. I'm sure you just said: WTF???
What do whales have to do with hair products? I know what you're thinking...you think I want to use this stuff in the fabulous new product I'm engineering (see below for more details)...but no, I do not plan to do that. Besides, whale products are too common, much too low brow from my wonder product (name still pending).
I got a new hair product to try and get that delicate balance of "holding power" and "no-so-gelled" look. Here's my problem, as some of you might know - or even share my conundrum - My hair is very, very coarse. Coarse enough to get splinters from. Hair splinters? Surely you jest Mr. Reset Button! I only wish I was jesting. Some of you out there have witnessed, my hair is indeed potent enough to penetrate skin.
I'm like a super hero...with a really, really lame power.
I've tried gels, mousses and pomades (I think I will try hair spray next) with a goal of getting a styled looked without having it be too stiffy or get flaky after a few hours. This lead me to try a new product (thus far the results have been so-so).
It is a mousse. When I applied some of this product into my hand I was a bit too generous with the portions. I had about a ball of mousse slightly larger than a golf ball of mouse in my tiny hand. Without much thought I quickly splattered this into my semi-wet hair.
KABOOM...
Did you know "dork" is the name of a whale's penis? At least, I think that's true...No matter how many times I ran my fingers through my hair I couldn't get enough product out. I was going to be late for work if I tried to take a quick shower so instead I started grabbing tissues and tried to pull out the mousse that way.
Mistake number two.
The mousse was so viscous that the tissues were getting too wet and was breaking up into little pieces in my head. So now, not only did I look like a whale had just cum on my head, it looked like the whale was being an asshole and gave me shitty tissue paper to try and clean myself up with. Boy, did I feel like a two dollar hooker.
At that point I decided it would be better to risk being a few minutes late and stuck my head in the shower.
So folks what is the lesson I want you to learn from all this?
Don't be a $2 whale prostitute. Its not worth it.
SLTSFFM
I'd like to make myself believe,
That planet Earth, turns, slowly,
It's hard to say I'd rather stay,
Awake when I've asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems,
When I'm asleep.
"Fireflies" by Owl City
No comments:
Post a Comment