Whale Jizz...

Yes, the absurdity of my blog titles continue...

So now, you are wondering, why mention whale jizz? And please, don't get this confused with WHALE JAZZ! Though I hear whale jazz is pretty freakin awesome.

You got the spazmatic stylings of Samson the Spermwhale on the Keys. The always gnarly Nicolai the Narwhal manning the bass. And that sexy, smooth brotha Oleander the Orca playing sweet heaven on the sax.

SIDE NOTE: Damn, I really need to upgrade to Photoshop or something. I'm still using the regular "paint" program that all computers come with. Sorry for the picture quality folks, you get what you pay for. And since NONE of ya'll have decided to donate to the Reset Button Image Quality Improvement Commission (RBIQIC), you're gonna have to suffer through some crappy graphics.

OK, back to the whale jizz...shoot, I'm pretty sure I'll never have to type or say that again for the next three life times.

SIDE NOTE: If in a previous life I was ever alive in the New England region in the 1800's I'm pretty sure I would have wanted to be a whaler. Those guys were all balls. You would go out to sea following the biggest animals on earth, then you would climb into a 12 foot dingy and try to kill it with a pointy stick. BALLS! Wait.....on second thought, I'd probably just be a whaler groupie. I'll just stay on land and eat crab cakes. CRAB CAKES!

The reason I bring all of this whaling topics up is due to my initial reaction when trying a new hair product. I'm sure you just said: WTF???

What do whales have to do with hair products? I know what you're thinking...you think I want to use this stuff in the fabulous new product I'm engineering (see below for more details)...but no, I do not plan to do that. Besides, whale products are too common, much too low brow from my wonder product (name still pending).

I got a new hair product to try and get that delicate balance of "holding power" and "no-so-gelled" look. Here's my problem, as some of you might know - or even share my conundrum - My hair is very, very coarse. Coarse enough to get splinters from. Hair splinters? Surely you jest Mr. Reset Button! I only wish I was jesting. Some of you out there have witnessed, my hair is indeed potent enough to penetrate skin.

I'm like a super hero...with a really, really lame power.

I've tried gels, mousses and pomades (I think I will try hair spray next) with a goal of getting a styled looked without having it be too stiffy or get flaky after a few hours. This lead me to try a new product (thus far the results have been so-so).

It is a mousse. When I applied some of this product into my hand I was a bit too generous with the portions. I had about a ball of mousse slightly larger than a golf ball of mouse in my tiny hand. Without much thought I quickly splattered this into my semi-wet hair.

KABOOM...

Did you know "dork" is the name of a whale's penis? At least, I think that's true...

It looked like a whale had an orgasmic adventure on my cranium.

No matter how many times I ran my fingers through my hair I couldn't get enough product out. I was going to be late for work if I tried to take a quick shower so instead I started grabbing tissues and tried to pull out the mousse that way.

Mistake number two.

The mousse was so viscous that the tissues were getting too wet and was breaking up into little pieces in my head. So now, not only did I look like a whale had just cum on my head, it looked like the whale was being an asshole and gave me shitty tissue paper to try and clean myself up with. Boy, did I feel like a two dollar hooker.

At that point I decided it would be better to risk being a few minutes late and stuck my head in the shower.

So folks what is the lesson I want you to learn from all this?

Don't be a $2 whale prostitute. Its not worth it.


SLTSFFM

I'd like to make myself believe,
That planet Earth, turns, slowly,
It's hard to say I'd rather stay,
Awake when I've asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems,
When I'm asleep.

"Fireflies" by Owl City

Part 2 is up

Part 2 of The Cerulean is up. Hopefully it sucks less than part 1. =)

Remember to read the older posts first if you miss a "part" as it will be in reverse order.

My body is a buffet...

Hmm, my blog titles are kinda strange huh? And depending on your level of hunger or sexual depravity, you can read that title in several ways. I'll explain what I mean, just in case your a cannibal...but if your mind is in the gutter then go ahead and give me a call and we'll set you up with a dinner reservation.

SIDE NOTE: This night shift is really wrecking havoc on my metabolism. I seem to eat at really strange times. I get home around 8:00 AM and my body starts craving breakfast. As much as I don't want to eat anything (to try and keep my girlish figure) I usually succumb and much before finally getting to sleep. Oh well, what daddy wants, daddy gets.

Back to the title. As I was taking my after work/before bed shower, I was noticing the ingredients in my showering liquids. My shampoo contains Ginger and Calendula, my body wash says it has cucumber and green tea while my conditioner has sea algae and cocoa butter. Of course my lotion has oatmeal. Damn, I don't even use this many ingredients when I cook.

And I use the cheapo stuff, so I can't even begin to imagine what kinds of fancy pants ingredients you girls and girly guys out there are using in your bathing products. This got me thinking...I'm in the wrong industry again! I could make a killing in the bathing products racket. I figure I just need to go really, really high end and tap into that market.

Let me run this by you, in case you want to invest early before this shit hits the stratosphere. My product will be so awesome and potent that it will actually be a 3 in 1, with shampoo, condition and body wash all in one. I know, I know, you skeptics out there are a little wary of these all-in-one products. You snob you!

But, never fear, let me break down the ingredients just so you know how serious I am about blowing the competition out of the freaking water.

1st ingredient:

We're gonna start with the flower: Blue Double-Bloomed Poppy. You may remember this as the blue flower that Bruce Wayne has to get by climbing that mountain in Batman Begins. Come on people! If Batman has to freakin get the main ingredient, you know its gonna be TOP SHELF! Freakin BATMAN!

See, Batman is already hard at work getting our ingredients together. Invest now to stake your claim at the potential billion dollar windfall!

2nd ingredient:

Unobtainium. Just the name itself lets people know that only the truly elite can get this wonder product. I mean, according to the business douchenozzle in Avatar, Unobtainium goes for 2o million a kilo. Even if we just use some Unobtainium dust and put it into our product (the name is still pending, if you invest you can help brainstorm) we could easily sell it for $500 a bottle. We have to be careful though, I heard some folks are trying to sell knock off Unobtainium. We need to make sure we get the real deal.

Real Unobtainium = super expensive floating rocks. Good reason to declare war on 10 foot tall smurfs.

Fake Unobtainium = Lump of coal suspended by yellow wires. Good for barbecues.

3rd ingredient:

OK, now that we have made an EPIC product, there's no need to stop there. Let's take it up a notch and make this bastard MYTHIC! In order to make our body wash portion a good exfoliater we need to use something gritty. I purpose ground up UNICORN HORNS!

Now, you may say, but Mr. Reset Button, wait, Unicorns are majestic and magical creatures. But lo, I say nay, sirs and madams. Unicorns are not majestic nor magical. In fact, they are actually ASSHOLES.

Seriously, the last Unicorn I saw in the enchanted glen tried to trample me. And by "enchanted glen" I may mean my porch and by "Unicorn" I may mean a stray cat that was pooping on my porch. So, F the Unicorns, lets get to the exfoliating!

I swear, that muthafucka is lifting his tail again. You know what happens when he lifts his tail right? It ain't rainbows and skittles coming out, that's for sure.

4th ingredient:

We need something to help our conditioner provide a luxurious shine to the hair that it's treating. So I sat down and thought, what makes my hair so shiny and awesome. Easy answer: the tears of a goth fairy! It was so simple that I almost missed it. On the plus side, goth fairies are usually horny which will help when I need volunteers to catch them.

She might be more of an "angel" rather than a fairy. But either way she's Goth and she's probably a cutter.

5th ingredient:

The 5th main and final ingredient is something to help give our shampoo portion a volumizing component. Now bear with me cause its kinda disgusting. But, if you can get over your initial shock, I'm sure you will undoubtedly agree with me. The last ingredient we will be using will be Evil Leprechaun Man Juice. Yes, by "man juice" I mean semen. Once this component hardens in your hair it will give you movie star hair volume

He's a mythical creature so don't let his small stature fool you. He can fill up that whole bottle in one shot! And look how excited he is to help us out!

OK, I really gotta stop blogging after I've been awake for nearly 24 hours....and I feel the Melatonin kicking in so I bid you farewell for now

Wild hair up my you know what...

And by "wild hair" I'm of course speaking figuratively (if you've never heard that saying, go "here" for an explanation). Besides, if I had literally had a hair there, I probably wouldn't share that with you. It would be my own private and intimate moment with the tweezers.

Back to this aforementioned "wild hair". After, speaking to a friend in length this past evening I'd gotten that familiar itch to try and write something. By "something" I mean something other than in this blog. I suppose that since my creative juices need some more stirring.

The hard part is that I am NOT a writer. I'm not an author nor do I feel particularly skilled in story telling. But, fuck it, I'm not expecting much out of it anyways.

I've never really written much. This blog is definitely the largest and longest writing exercise I've ever embarked upon. And since I can pretty much talk about anything, and since I'm usually just reporting back to you ungrateful heathens the activities in my life, there is very little pressure to produce any literary magic. I've written nearly 40 chapters of a script for that comic book/manga that I mentioned a while ago, but since the artist has been slacking...we're kinda stuck in neutral.

I've only written short stories before. I would say my masterpiece, my piece de resistance, was this short story I wrote in 8th grade English class about the forbidden love between Antone and Thora. It was a writing project during our Shakespeare section where we had to take a theme from some Shakespearean work and put our twist on it. Of course my story of the star-crossed lovers Antone and Thora was an ode to Romeo and Juliette.

The twist?

They were actually two different species of insects. Hence the names came from antenna and thorax, two parts of a bug's anatomy. It was definitely a tragedy as their home was destroyed in the end when the lawn mower came and brought bug Armageddon.

Side note: when we were young, my brother and I, along with some neighborhood friends would go around trying to kill wasps and hornets with badminton rackets. Stupid idea? You bet your sweet ass it was a stupid idea.

The wasps would make their nests under the awnings of the decks or under the gutters. We would throw rocks or shoot the water hose and try to knock down the nests we couldn't reach. Then once the nest was down and an angry swarm of crazy insects flew out, it was a mad melee of badminton racket swinging. The true challenge was being able to swat a wasp right at one of your friends. Ah...the dumbassness of youth.

So, if you were driving through my neighborhood in the late 80's and saw a bunch of young assholes swinging badminton rackets wildly in the air...that was me. Never got stung by a wasp though...did get bit by horse flies and a bee, but never a wasp or hornet.

OK, enough about my sordid past animal cruelty and back to my "wild hair". I've decided to write a story. I've been mulling around a couple novel story lines in my head and have some basic plot lines mapped out but haven't gotten down to writing more than a few scenes.

So, while I was showering earlier I figured why not just starting a blog for one of the stories. It would be a very "stream of consciousness" style of writing. No real editing, no real direction of where I'm going.

I decided I would choose the story I have that would be more targeted to the young teen audience. It's more of a fantasy type of tale. Not "fantasy" as in romantic fantasy, though I know one particular reader out there likes that genre, "No Choice But Seduction" ring any bells? Think more on the lines of Harry Potter or more aptly Never Ending Story.

The working title for this story is "The Cerulean". I haven't written much of a plot map or outline so I'm really treating this as if I was just sitting down with a child and telling them a bedtime story. Please forgive me if some parts don't make sense, I'm not going to be editing much of it so you'll be seeing the rough draft as it pours out of my meager brain.

I have a basic story line and a way that it ends, but I don't know what's going to happen in the middle. I'll be just as surprised as you, my dear reader. It is a little frightening to think about writing it since it will be out there for you to judge and laugh at, but I guess I'm OK with that.

I'll still keep up Reset Button of course, but I'll continue the story whenever the mood hits me I suppose. So, if you ever find yourself with even more time to kill, head on over to The Cerulean (thecerulean.blogspot.com) and laugh at my literary ineptness.

Nightshift = Time Travel

So my first weekend on the night shift went swimmingly and passed with little incident. I am enjoying the work immensely. I have done everything from given a quadriplegic a sponge bath to toe tag and prep a recently deceased patient for transport. Its definitely been a huge learning experience and it's been very relieving and refreshing to find out that I'm kinda good it.

You may be wondering why the title of this post was Nightshift = Time Travel. I experienced this odd phenomenon all weekend. It's very strange to get home from work when everyone else is getting up and going to their jobs or to school. This morning I pulled up to park as some of the college kids were setting off to class. It didn't even feel like I had just worked 13 hours. I was almost compelled to eat breakfast and head back out (of course I ate breakfast, but then proceeded to shower and sleep).

While it didn't really feel like I had just worked nearly 40 hours my entire weekend was gone. It was as if I stepped into a time vortex that pushed me from Friday to Monday night. Its almost like Tyler Durden worked in my stead all weekend. Right now I'm awake at 1:30 in the morning and I'm going to do some homework for the online course we have to take. Actually I'm bending the space-time continuum right now, I've been logged onto the course while I blog so I can get closer to the 40 hour "log-in" requirement.

I'm a fucking TIME TRAVELER!

OK, last thing before I take an online test. The two things I'm really coming away with while working this short time in the hospital. There are two "statements" that tumble through my head as I roam the darkened halls of the hospital around 3 AM.

1) Health is wealth

2) Love is fucking awesome

Lets break those down really quickly shall we:

Heath is wealth: My mom always used to say this to us. She was the ultimate expert in such matters, from both sides of the hospital equation. As a nurse for over 30 some years she has probably seen it all. As a cancer survivor and stroke victim she has suffered through it all. Needless to say, my mom is a rock, she is a stubborn bitch that just plows through her ailments. =) Unfortunately, I never really understood what she meant nor took her advice as seriously as I should. I'm sure I suffered from the youthful thoughts of my own immortality.

Thus, being exposed to such sickness and suffering really makes me worry sometimes about my own health and mortality. Since we deal with a lot of cancer patients, I'm still shocked that some nurses go out for smoke breaks. Admittedly, my eating habits seem to be deteriorating by all the eating at odd hours, but hopefully I can keep my diet somewhat healthy.

Oh well, I suppose my message here is, take a look at yourself my dear reader, and make sure you are doing what you can to keep yourself healthy as best you can. The last thing you want to do is end up in the hospital where some guy like me is cleaning you with a soapy wash cloth.

Love is fucking awesome: There are always family members of the patients strutting through the halls of our floor. Some are allowed to sleep in their loved one's room while many stay the night in the family lounges. Husbands, wives, siblings and children, all stick around to help their family get better.

While its gratifying to see the family members around, what strikes me more are the patients that don't seem to ever have any visitors. No, I'm not trying to breakout into some kind of Kodak moment here, but just seeing that loneliness really, really sucks.

I guess all that any of us can really hope for is that when our time is up and it's our turn to start the final journey, that we are surrounded by those who love and care for us.

FYI: In case you were wondering, when I die I want it to be a celebration. No crying or no somber black attire (unless its a really sexy black dress or suave suit you've been wanting to rock). I want it to be a celebration of how I lived and how stupid I was. Also, I wanted to be cremated like a Viking king. I want a 20 foot Dragon boat filled with Gold Coins (the chocolate kind of course), Swords and Weaponry (plastic knives can be used if no Toledo Blades are available) and my favorite ales and spirits (Hypnotic and Pineapple Orange juice).

If there isn't isn't an ocean, river or lake nearby in which to release this burning flotilla, then do this instead. I'll be cremated at the morgue but at the service, everyone will be given a small paper boat and a small paper pouch with some of my ashes.

Each person can then take said boat and pouch to their home. From there, each person can perform a Viking funeral ceremony in the comfort of their own bathroom. Place the pouch into the boat and gently drop into the toilet. Courageously light the boat aflame while playing "The Ride of the Valkyries".

Don't worry, I won't haunt your house. Though, I may tickle your butt whenever you go number 2.




Sorry...I must still be delirious

My body is confused!

No, don't get all crazy, I don't mean "sexual orientation" confusion. My body is confused about my sleeping schedule. Just as my body had adapted to waking up at 6 am regularly (probably the first time since high school) I'm switching to the night shift.

Tonight is my first weekend of the 7 pm to 7:30 am shift. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm not exactly sure why I'm a little nervous. I've been told that the night shift is much more relaxed and a lot less stressful than the days.

For one, there really isn't any bathing during the night (of course unless a patient has an "accident"). Secondly, we won't really be required to ambulate (walk) the patients much. I won't really be needed to do many other activities like run EKG's, pull IV's or strip beds if a patient is discharged. I suppose I'm just a little nervous because it is the first time and I want to make sure I do a good job.

My biggest challenge will probably be staying awake. As in most cases, work tends to fly by quickly if one is busy doing several tasks. My primary duties during the night will be to take vital signs every 4 hours or so, drain any fluid bags (catheters and what not) and to answer any call lights should the patients require anything.

The good thing about working consecutive days is that you tend to get to know some of the patients. You can build good rapport with them and it makes it much more enjoyable when you have to barge into their room to take vital signs or help them to the commode. Since I haven't worked in the week, I'm guessing it will be pretty much all new faces tonight.

Oh well, I am looking forward to tonight, I just hope my body adjusts...if not, I have a couple Redbulls in my locker to push me along.

I haven't done any movie reviews of late so I thought I'd bore you with a few right now. I'll break it down by movies that I think you absolutely have to seen, then movies that I would only recommend if you're really bored. Oddly, most of the movies I've seen lately have been snoozefests.

Alas, here we go.

3 Strictor Heads:

I won't get into these movies too deeply since they've been around forever and I'm sure you've already seen them. But, if you haven't seen these movies already then you should just go ahead and buy a plane ticket to Australia, purchase a boomerang then walk into the outback because you no longer deserve to live among us in civilized society.

Avatar

I'm pretty sure you've heard of this one, only the highest grossing movie of all time. Its got 10 foot tall blue people who have sex through their hair. Strange, but oddly arousing. Then again, they hook up with everything through their hair. Does that mean they're having sex with the horsey things and the dragon things? Either way, F'ing fantastic movie.

Inglorious Basterds

Definitely not what I expected, but in a very good way. I expected more Reservoir Dogs but got a very, very smart movie. I especially liked the revisionist history...any many of you know that I pretend to be a history buff.

2 Strictor Heads:

Here are a couple movies that I would suggest watching. I liked them, and while they didn't necessarily exceed any of my expectations, I thought it was good popcorn fare.

Up in the Air

Clooney is definitely a guy who got better looking as he aged, I was looking at the list of movies he's been in and its getting quite lengthy. I liked the movie and thought the twist was refreshing. However, I didn't think Vera Farmiga's role was Oscar worthy. She was good in the movie, but I didn't think it was anything special.

Food Inc.

And no, I'm not just going off of the Oscar lists. But in case you ever wondered where and how you're food made it to your plate and into your belly, here you go.

1 Strictor Head:

I've seen several movies lately that have either disappointed me or were just kinda lacking. I know, you're probably shocked since I try and appreciate every single movie I watch, but there have been a few recently that just didn't live up to my very low standards. I won't list them all, just the ones that are somewhat fresh in my mind.

Year One

I thought this movie should have been much funnier. But something was really missing. I think maybe Jack Black and Michael Cera playing the exact roles they almost always play was tedious. I think they were aiming for a PG rating, but a movie like this could always use some on screen boobies. Onscreen boobies is always a good thing. Everyone say it with me: "Onscreen boobies is always a good thing"

Zombieland

Again, another movie that I thought should have been a lot funnier. I couldn't pinpoint it but something was lacking. It had funny moments, and it reminded me of a fun video game called Dead Rising, but it just didn't really work. Hmm, maybe it could have used some onscreen boobies.

FYI, I think I could survive a zombie apocalypse, IF I have the right people with me...and if there's a Wal-Mart nearby.


Last thing, I realized one error when I went ahead and allowed them to move my shift for this weekend...I'm going to miss the Paquiao vs. Clottey fight! Dammmmit!

Oh well, maybe some one out there can just text me the outcome of each round. Word.

Ok, I'm not sure what to do with myself since I have to to to work in a couple hours. I think I'll work out, shower, eat then iron my scrubs. Sound like a plan? Ok, ready? Break!

SLTSFMM

Oh, its another rainy day,
Another excuse for me to hide away,
Fog on the window, I write your name,
Oh, its another rainy day.

"Rainy Day" by Plain White T's

I want the caramel filled one...

Well, tomorrow should be my last day of the "day shift" orientation. Unless the floor nurse feels otherwise, I should be switching over to the weekend night shift next weekend. I must say that I've had a lot of fun working this week.

Undoubtedly this brings me great relief. My biggest worry is that I would either hate working in a hospital or that I wouldn't be able to take the close proximity of the bodily fluids and injuries. Now, to give full closure, I do still try to look away when I'm encountering a new type of gaping wound, but for the most part I'm slowly desensitizing myself to the various medical conditions I'll be seeing.

The awesome thing about the floor I'm working on is the variety of the patients we see. Its supposed to be an Oncology wing, but we tend to get patients ranging from Urology to Neurology to Orthopedics. So, we have everything from the feet to the head covered.

I've pretty been much on my own the past few days so I feel confident moving on to the night shift. Though, I will miss my trainer and the awesome folks I've been working with. Thankfully, I have been assured that I'll have a great time with the night shift crew. My one worry is that night shift folks (and I've confirmed this with multiple sources) EAT ALL THE TIME.

Could the Hoze-B of "Fine in 09" usher a new era of "Pigpen in 2010"?

Hopefully I can curb the late night munchies. Hmm...maybe we can get all Grey's Anatomy in that piece. Actually, hold that thought until I get to meet the night shift crew.

Some of you may be thinking that last statement is what I was referencing in the blog entry title. While I'm not sure if there's a caramel skinned butter-pecan Puerto Rican female nurse working the night shift...that wasn't what I was referring too.

Interestingly, I got to talking to one of the patients today about a topic I hold dear. No, not boobies, but rather, movies. Yes, with an "M".



I popped in to take her vital signs and Forrest Gump was playing on the TV. It happened to be on the iconic scene featuring Forrest and the nurse sitting at the bus stop. Forrest then utters those famous words..."I like boobies"....oh wait, I mean, "Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates.

So, as I'm taking the patient blood pressure and other vitals she turns to me and says: "You know, that is so true. What's a line from a movie that you think is real?"

What? How could she bombard me with such an awesome question at 7:30 am!

My mind raced and I frantically tried calling up some of my favorite movie quotes. I wanted to sound cool and knowledgeable about my movie prowess. I quickly accessed my mind's data bank to try and pry out a particularly thoughtful and heartfelt quote. I racked my brain to find that singular statement that would prove the power that motion pictures held as a medium.

I thought of some of my favorite movies and some quotes began tumbling in my head. I was about to regale her with a quote from the movie Braveheart: "Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it", but she surprised me by saying:

"Everyone is Tad Hamilton to someone"

A smile crept across my face. Did my 60 some year old patient just quote the movie Win a Date with Tad Hamilton?

She must have noticed the stupid smile on my face because she then explained that she had gone with her young teenage granddaughter to that movie years ago and absolutely loved it. I laughed and remarked that she probably only liked it because of Josh Duhamel.

After her admission to liking this movie we had a great conversation about the meaning of this quote. I would admit that I mostly find this quote true. While I don't think it's as apt as the Forrest Gump quote, I think its is very accurate.

I would have to think that there are a few folks out there on this earth that are no one's Tad Hamilton, but for the majority of people, there is someone out there that would find them ideal.

Here's to hoping you get your Tad Hamilton (or whatever the female equivalent would be...Tadiesha Hamilton???)

Whoa...its only 11 pm and I'm already sleepy. Great, I'm starting to get used to waking up early and I'll be switching to crazy nocturnal.

Ok, that's it for me.

SLTSFMM

Some dudes know all the right things to say.
When it comes down to it, it’s all just game.
Instead of talking let me demonstrate. Yeah.
Get down to business and skip foreplay.

"In My Head" by Jason Derulo