I'm freaking cold!

Ok, so this is the first time I've ever blogged during a work shift. I'm working on a Tuesday night for the girl who helped me by taking my shift last Saturday so I could go attend a bachelor party. Why am I blogging and not out helping patients? Well, techinically I am helping a patient.

I'm in a "Patient Observer" room. Essentially this means I'm babysitting right now. Usually I loathe sitting. Time usually crawls and I feel much added pressure and sometimes I really feel for the patients safety. Tonight would be considered a very easy "sit". The patient pretty much sleeps all day and even when up, he's very friendly and talk-a-tive. I've had some nights where I've had to physically restrain patients going through alcohol or drug withdrawal, so this is a good change of pace.

I believe I'll get to be back on the floor at 11 when another tech goes on shift, and usually the nurses like having a male tech on the floor. I'm essentially a packmule or general beast of burden.

So, you may be curious about the bachelor party. I was actually quite excited that I was able to find someone willing to switch shifts with me. Usually, a 12 hour overnight weekend shift is not high on people's desirability list. The bachelor party was for a friend who I've known since High School. I got to see some folks that I hadn't seen in some years and met a few new faces.

It was a fairly prototypical bachelor party. One of the groomsmen's parents catered the affair with very, very tasty barbeque ribs and meat with all the fixin's. I think my brother even caved on his ban off "land meat" to eat some BBQ.

There was food, plenty of drink, and of course some adult entertainment arrived - for future reference (in case any of my future groomsmen read this), I'd rather not have this type of bachelor's party. I've never really liked or enjoyed the idea of strippers. I've been to a strip club a handful of times (probably literally 5 times), and I just can't let go of the reality of the situation. You gotta assume that those girls really don't want to be there - other than the monetary incentive of course - and they probably pity the men who go in there.

Oh well enough about that rant...

So, after the entertainment portion we headed downtown and hit up a couple bars. Unfortunately, the social crowd during the summertime in a college town gets somewhat scarce. However, we made the best of it and I believe we achieved the goal of any bachelor party: assuring the groom that there ain't no better alternatives out there for him. =)

Not much else new to relate. I was given a nice set of golf clubs but still haven't made it out to the driving range. I was planning to go this week, so maybe tomorrow after I get a few hours of sleep after work, I'll go brown my skin a little bit at the driving range.

I kinda surprised myself when I stepped on the scale today. I weighed in at 152, a weight I haven't been at since college I think. Oddly, I'm much lighter than I've been in years, but I still don't feel like I'm in very good shape. Actually going running outside is my next goal, but I'm still afraid of the sun and humidity.

I am excited for next week. I'm picking up my sister and her daughter then making the 6 hours trek west to deposit them at my parents house. The last time I saw my neice was over christmas so I'm excited to visit with her again. I hope to mow the lawn while I'm back at my parents house as well.

Till next time...hopefully I'll have more interesting things to say. Oh, I've been in a throwback mood with my music lately. Lots of 90's hip hop and R&B, thus the SLTSFMM this week...

SLTSFMM

She had a tattoo she only wanted boo to see,
But first dim the lights and turn up the Jodeci,
I'm like whatever shorty rock,
We can swing it like that,
Cause on the real this is where its at.

"Renee" by Lost Boyz

Monikers from Old Ladies...

Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted. I guess it's been a strange mix of boredom and lack of anything exciting to blog about. I've been meaning to post, but just haven't made the time. But, I did get a nice reminder to post something again (thanks for that by the way).

You may have noticed that the background of the blog has changed. The site has an easy and new design tool so I thought I'd play around with it for a bit. So, don't be surprised if the background and layouts change up from time to time. I'll mess with it when I'm bored again. I'll try to make it suck less next time.

I had been wanting to blog about a funny little tally that I've decided to keep at work. This new tallying system keeps me somewhat entertained as I work the graveyard shift (oops, I wanted to stop using the term "graveyard" since I now work in a place where death is a distinct possibility). I should say, I work the "red-eye" or overnight shift.

So what has Boy Gaga been doing to pass the time during the lull periods at into the night? I've decided to keep count of the different nicknames the patients (and nurses for that matter) decide to call me throughout the night. Stupid you say? Yes, I agree, but hell, it sometimes gets kinda boring around 3 am.

Seeing as the patients do meet several healthcare workers each day from the changing shifts, I don't mind at all that they sometimes forget my name. Shoot, I always try and look up the patients name prior to entering each room, but sometimes I do go with the generic "Hey there!" when I go in.

Thus, I make a mental note of the different nicknames I get called. Before your imagination gets a hold of you, I'm talking about the little petnames or terms of endearment that older folks usually dole out to younger (or in my case, younger looking) people.

Its usually fairly easy to remember and seeing as I always have a pen and paper in my pocket, keeping track is a breeze. I'll put together a nice pie chart for you in the next blog so you can visualize it (Why don't I do it now? Well, I'm being lazy).

As you probably guessed, "Sweetie" and "Dear" are near the top of the list and frequently used. I do get "Hon" and the occasional "Babe" (and that's an old lady saying "babe", not some hottie purring babeeee cutely into my ear).

Some of the more infrequent but still mentioned petnames include "sweetpea" and "love".

Male patients typically use "man" (which I don't really keep track of), but will use "guy" and "bud" quite a bit.

I suppose I could get quite insane and begin tracking the incidence rates for each name sorted out by gender, age and hospital visit reason, etc. etc. but that would be way too much work. Not too mention that type of tracking may impede the work I'm supposed to be doing. =)

I'm really hoping that one name starts making a hard charge to the top of the list. For some very strange reason, the mother of one of our younger patients referred to me as "Studs McGee". I found this to be extremely hilarious and it was somewhat fitting since I have a lot of Irish blood running through my veins (that is false). Here's to hoping that I get called Studs McGee more often.

SIDE NOTE: I have no idea where the whole "McGee" thing came from. I often heard my younger cousin saying "McGee" as a thing. For example, if there was a weird looking boy looking over at her and her friends, she would refer to that boy as a "Creepers McGee". Hmm, did that just make any sense? Have you heard this "McGee" phenomenon as well or am I just insane again?

Otherwise, I do like the petname "Sweetpea".

I never did know if Sweetpea was Popeye's son, nephew, little brother or just some random child that Olive Oil abducted. Don't put kidnapping past her, she was one super waifish crazy women.

Oh well...

To be honest, nothing much new to report on my end. Just work and finishing up another slew of applications for the different nursing programs. I haven't done anything exciting thus far this summer. I am debating joining a local gym though. The P90X program is good for aerobic activity, but I feel that I need to lift some actual weights to help me turn some of this flab into muscle.

I've also tried to be a little more conscious about what I'm eating, more specifically I'm debating whether to start counting my caloric intake. My brother has gotten uncannily freakish about his calorie count. He's using fitday.com to help track his intake. I'm note sure if i want to get that obsessed about it, but I suppose it is the only way to get really ripped (its working for him by the way).

That's all for me right now, hopefully I'll have a little more insightful and entertaining to share next time. Oh, I hadn't updated The Cerulean in a while as well, but there is a new part up. Until then...

SLTSFFM

If you got it I need it and I'ma put it down
Buckle up; I'ma give it to ya stronger
Hands up; we could go a little longer
Tonight I'ma get a little crazy, get a little crazy, baby

"Rude Boy" by Rihanna

May-day May-day!

Don't let the blog title fool you, I'm not in any sort of trouble of sinking or anything. I actually weigh the lightest I have in 4 or 5 years. I'm down to 155 lbs. without really working out much; I haven't been to a gym and don't really do any cardio. I guess the new night schedule has jacked up my eating habits enough that I'm able to lose some weight. I did get P90X from my brother so I hope to start it up soon...maybe later today if my shoulder isn't acting up anymore.

So 155 lbs., this means I've lost over 25 lbs since moving from California. I know this won't qualify me for America's Biggest Loser or anything but DAMN, could ya'll have told me that I had gotten so fat!!! It's hard to figure that I've shed that much but looking back on some old pictures I can really see how round my face was. Such as sad, sad situation. Oh well, this means I can start engorging on some Jamocha Almond Fudge ice cream again!

I'll let you know how the whole P90X thing goes. It will be a bitch to do on the weekends though, since I work 12 hr (sometimes 16 hr) night shifts. But, I suppose if I wanted to get "cut up" for the summer I should start now. Actually, had I started yesterday I would have ended exactly on my birthday...which is August 1st (not so subtle reminder for ya'll out there).

Not too much new going on here. Work is going very well. I'm really enjoying myself and can't wait to get started back to classes in earnest. It's too bad that I didn't have this motivation to get going early, but I guess everything happens for a reason and its all a journey we must take for ourselves. I've already gotten written kudos from some patients and my coworkers seem to tolerate me.

Also, its nearly two months and I haven't fainted or even come close to throwing up so I think I may be home free. The strangest thing though, I can take gaping open wounds, but IV lines still bug me. I think its just the thought of something INSIDE your vein or artery that still gets to me. Oh well, just more desensitization I suppose. Thankfully, the nurses are keenly aware of my "IV" phobia so they call me into a room whenever they have to start a new IV line or have to draw some blood.

I'm lucky to have been hired on the floor that I got though, since I've gotten to see a lot of different procedures and different types of patients.

Oh, the only other thing that I still cringe a bit with is the insertion of a male catheter. If you're not aware of what a catheter is, here is a diagram:

In case you can't tell what that picture is...its a hose that is inserted into a male's yoohoo to drain out urine in the bladder. Thank god that the little balloon that holds the badboy in place in inflated after its inserted in the catheter.

It just hurts me to think about this...so I'll stop now.

OK, to quickly change the subject, my mom and brother were in town for the weekend for some business. I didn't get to see them much because of my hours and that I needed to sleep most of the day. However, it was pretty awesome to wake up and have all this food cooked. I still have a ton of leftovers so I'll be enjoying Filipino food for the next week or so.

It was an awesome day today, one of those "California-esque" spring days. It was around 80 degrees with a slight breeze. PERFECT. So I actually spent some time outside, got some Vietnamese food for lunch and topped it off with some frozen yogurt. An old college buddy opened up a fro-yo place here in town and I must say, it's right up there with YogurtLand. So at least I have that out here.

Tomorrow is supposed to be equally nice and even a bit cooler. I hope to get out there early again and get some more sun, as I'm quite pale these days. Maybe toss the old frisbee around and shoot some hoops...or maybe just sit my old ass on a park bench and watch other people do those things. Hey, at least I'm outside right?

That's it for me. Hope ya'll are doing well out there in cyberspace. Boy Gaga out!

Movie filled summer...

Man, the 2010 movie experience is about to get a whole lot crazy better. Did that last part of the previous sentence make sense grammatically, of course not, but when you have movies coming out like The Expendables, there is no need for f@cking grammatics! (I'm pretty sure that's not a real word but oh well).

EPIC, EPIC, EPIC! Watch the trailer here, I picked the You-Tube site because the comments are all hilarious. Its mostly dudes who keep saying they "creamed" after watching the trailer. OK, yes I admit, I also creamed.

Just click the link to see some of the actors in this movie, Stallone, Willis, Schwarzenegger (yes I had to Google how to spell that). This movie has the ultimate 80's action star trifecta. This movie is going to be spectacularly bad, but in an awesomely badass way.

If it was filmed in the 80's the movie budget would have been like 50 millions dollars - with inflation that would be about 2.1 billion today. All this movie is missing is a little JCVD.

I think he's showing us his "O" face. 10 points if you can name this movie. 50 points if you're a lady and can name this movie. BONUS POINTS: If you're a lady and can name the bad guy getting that very deep tissue massage I will marry you (no using Google).

So there are quite a few movies that are coming out this summer that I do intend to catch at the theaters. Usually, with the advent of "internet sharing" I wait till my brother finds a copy of a movie and watch it at home, saving only the movie with randy special effects to be viewed on the big screen. But, there seem to be a ton due out this summer that will require big screen watching.

Shoot, just off the top of my head I can think of Predators, Iron Man 2, Robin Hood and Prince of Persia. Wow, I think I just really geeked out right there huh? I guess it shouldn't be a wonder that I'm still single.

I do plan to catch a matinee of Kick Ass sometime next week. Hopefully I get to go out next week too. Since I work weekends, Thursday is really the only day left for me to go out. I was planning to go out last night (7 hrs ago) but I had tweeked my neck pretending to work out so I decided to chill.

UPDATE: My neck still hurts but at least I can turn it a little bit. I hope its close to 100% since I'll be moving "big" people around in their beds in about 12 hours.

OK, during the last blog I talked about watching a movie by myself. Well, it still didn't happen yet. I ended up going back to my parent's house all last week because it was my dad's birthday and my mom just got back from a 2 month trip to the Philippines. It was a good visit, very relaxed and unfortunately kinda short. It was basically a long weekend, unfortunately my weekend is Tuesday to Thursday so everyone is working.

We did end up seeing Clash of the Titans together which was cool. I don't think my mom had a great time, this really isn't her type of movie, but it was fun.

Uh-oh, looks like my Chipotle burrito remnant is chasing some dude on a flying horse. BONUS POINTS: If you can name the mechanical owl from this movie I will worship you as my Nerd Goddess and will beg you to have my babies.

So I decided to use the movie poster from the original movie from 1981. This is to show my disappointment in the new film. I would say I liked the movie, but I wanted to like it more. It felt way too short to be an epic (I don't even think it was 2 hours long). Movies like this need to be nearly 3 hours to get all the story in. I think my brother nailed it when he commented to me that he didn't really connect with anyone in the film. Which is basically the kiss-of-death for any type of story.

So, unfortunately, as much as I love Greek mythology and I'm a sucker for swords and hot women in togas, I'm only giving the movie 1 Strictor Head.

Speaking of Strictor Heads, lets go ahead and do some movie ratings. I haven't done this for a while and you look like you need to kill a little more time. Shall we? OK. We'll kinda go reverse order and start with the lower rated movies I've seen lately.

Men Who Stare at Goats


This movie had its moments but was just kinda whatevers. A very interesting premise, but again, I really couldn't get that into it. The acting is good, but I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it again. Don't worry, it will be on Starz soon so you'll be able to watch it while you're folding your laundry or something.

The Wackness


I actually liked this movie but I probably wouldn't recommend it to most of you out there reading. Its a pretty interesting tale and it has its funny moments, but is also kinda depressing. However, I do think this movie did an awesome job at portraying a young boy's first taste of heart break. And, it did have a lot of the early Biggie Smalls music, which is a definite plus. It's a good "indie" movie so if you want to watch a movie about weed and unrequited young love, then go ahead and check it out.

Marley & Me


Ok, I probably shouldn't be tell you all this, but I did tear up during this movie. I dare you to watch it and not tear up. If you don't cry then you are a heartless (douchenozzle/hooker <= please select the appropriate moniker for your gender).
Law Abiding Citizen


Admittedly I had very low expectations for this movie after I saw the trailers, however I was pleasantly surprised and I think most of you out there would actually like the film. Its a little bit cheesy but it does have an interesting premise. I'm not normally a fan of Jamie Foxx (other than in Ray and his stand-up) but the acting all around was good.

Pirate Radio


This was a fun and quite enjoyable movie. We did make a part of it a drinking game where we drank whenever someone says the name of a rock band in the movie. So, maybe it was the vodka that was telling me I liked the movie. But again I had lower expectation so the movie exceeded them well.

Watching Pirate Radio got me thinking about the cyclical nature of fashion and hair styles. Many of the hair cuts the guys were rocking in the movie, set in the 60's, are popular again today.

Seriously, I can't be the only one waiting for this hair style to come back...

All I need is some peroxide, volumizing hair spray, a straight razor to make those sweet lines, and a patriotic American flag blouse. Word to yo mutha! BONUS POINTS: If you can name Vanilla Ice's movie from the 90's...I probably won't talk to you again.

Only one movie gets the coveted triple Strictor Heads salute this time.

Princes and Princesses


This is a really well made movie. It's a cartoon and it's in French, but I really want you to give it a shot. Its a silhouette style animation that makes it look really old but you cease to remember the styling of the animation after a few minutes. There are several vignettes so you'll have to let me know which one you liked if you end up watching it. I really liked the "kissing" one, you'll know what I'm talking about if you watch it.

Ok, that's it for me. I need to try and stretch out my neck some and then get some shut eye. Oh, The Cerulean is up to Part 13, catch up if you haven't had a chance to read it yet. =) I decided that I needed to get the main plot moving so hopefully it gets a little more interesting.

Hope ya'll have a good weekend, its my Monday. SCORE!

Clash of my Bowels

Well the summer movie push has officially begun with the release of Clash of the Titans. I got really amped to see this movie after I saw the first trailer for it. Unfortunately I've heard conflicting reports on the movie. Some are adamant that it sucks, while others liked it. The good news I guess is that my expectations have been lowered, and that usually means I'll enjoy the movie more. I have a few more Reset Button movie reviews for you, but more on those later.

Back to the Clash. There are a couple folks who's movie opinion I trust - since they do mirror mine a bit - so I assume that Clash is worth seeing and that I'll enjoy myself. I have a bit of a man crush on Sam Worthington anyways, so this movie is pretty much a "must-see" for me.

During a lengthy phone conversation with a friend the subject of movie watching came up. I don't think it would be a great surprise to most of you dear readers out there that I don't really like doing things by myself. Whether it be going to get groceries, going to the mall, going to get something to eat and most appropriately to this blog - going to a movie.

Of all of those typical activities I've listed, the one I really haven't done yet is go to the theater by myself (and yes I pronounce "theater" funny, just ask Josephine). SIDE NOTE: I've never eaten at a non-fast food restaurant by myself yet either, but that's not too odd I presume.

There was one occasion that I did venture to the movie theater by myself with the full intention of seeing a movie sans any companion. Lets step into the Reset Button time machine and relive that fateful moment:


It was late January in the year of our Lord 2004. The weather was unseasonably warm, even for Southern California. The birds were chirping and a light breeze was gently moving the fronds of the palm trees in the parking lot. I squinted in the sun as I wheeled my car around to find a good parking space.

I hadn't brought my prescription sunglasses since the Edwards Marketplace 10 Theaters were about 400 yards from my house. In hind sight, I probably should have walked, but fuck it, global warming isn't real (Just don't tell anyone who may have lived on New Moore Island).

It was a ground breaking moment for me, for that day I would break one taboo that I had furiously held firm to: Thou shalt not go to the movie theater alone.

My actions that day was to signal a new dawn of my movie going activities. No longer would I have to wait until the DVD came out because no one would go to a movie with me. That day, was the supposed to signal my evolution!

Alas, the universe conspired against me.

The movie that was to celebrate my emancipation was quite fittingly, Cold Mountain. You see, none of my friends or roommates wanted to see this movie. Presumably because it was a historical period piece set during the American Civil War...and there wasn't any slap-stick beer drinking or gratuitous boobie shots.

You see, Cold Mountain is about a man's trek towards freedom and a woman's journey towards self discovery. By going to a movie alone, I was also becoming a man who sought freedom, and a woman seeking self discovery. Err...wait, that didn't sound quite right.

That silhouette is actually me trying to find someone to go to the movie with. Hello? Is anyone out there? It's supposed to be a really good movie. It won some awards and shit.

Yet, my desire for self discovery and authority over my movie watching fate was thwarted! Apparently, even though the movie had already been in the theaters for nearly a month quite a few folks still wanted to see it (evidently this cohort didn't include any of my friends).

I had lollygagged on my way to the theater and arrived a few minutes late. I entered the already dark theater expecting to see row upon row of empty seats beckoning me into their warm, carpet like cushioned, embrace. But what did I find?

A theater nearly packed to capacity! What the hell were these people doing in there? What gall they had to come and ruin my alone time with Cold Mountain! I scanned the stadium seating looking for a break in the crowd. I searched for an empty section but could find nothing! Even the craptastic seats up front and nearly under the screen were all but taken.

Now, I would be remiss if I didn't disclose that there were a few seats open. But these were single seats, between couples or large groups of old people. Now, don't get me wrong, I bear no grudges against couples or old people, but I wasn't about to expose my "aloneness".

Its one thing to be in a near empty theater alone. People could see you and maybe think: "Damn, that sucks, his date totally stood him up" which may help me get a pity date or something. Or they may think: "Damn, he must have gotten into a big fight with his super model girlfriend and she went home". I'm pretty sure that's what people would think anyways.

But to wedge myself into a single seat without acknowledging that I know either person on both sides of me? No, I shall not!

Long story short, I turned tail and left like a beaten dog. I did tell the theater manager I had to leave unexpectedly and he gave me a free ticket to use later (which I did when I went with a group to a later movie).

So, much like Jude Law in Cold Mountain ***spoiler alert*** I didn't get my freedom.

Why do I bring all of this up now? Well, a friend challenged me to watch a movie by myself. And it may happen with Clash of the Titans. Most of the folks here that want to see it have already gone so it would be just by myself.

But...I am going to my parent's house next week for my dad's birthday and my brother hasn't seen it yet so...

(In a TV announcer voice): Will Boy Gaga go see a movie by himself? Or will he continue to scrounge up someone to go to movies with him or wait for it on DVD? Tune in next week, same Reset Button time, same Reset Button channel.


One last note, even if I hate the movie Clash of the Titans (I have fond memories of the original one so we'll see), there is one thing I will take from it moving forward.

Right before I "drop off kids at the pool" I will now yell:

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Yes, that is the O.G. Kraken from the original Clash of the Titans and not my real poop. I mean sometimes my poop looks like that after a Chipotle burrito, but not usually.

Who's the April fool now?

So it is now April, signifying that a 1/4 of the year 2010 has come and gone. WTF! Does time speed up as you grow older? Is the train to middle age an unstoppable force propelling us to our white hairs and broken down bodies? Wow, I'm kind of a drama queen at 6 in the morning huh?

Oh well...

I didn't leave the house yesterday so I wasn't subjected to or witnessed any cool April Fool's Day pranks. Actually, I guess you could consider my 401k. I'm pretty sure someone is playing a mean joke on me...if I could just get them to stop and put my money back in there.

Looking back on my illustrious career in pranksterisms, I would have to say my lowest point and most pathetic attempts at pranks came when I was in 4th grade (so you'll have to excuse my youth for the lameness I'm about to share with you).

Contrary to popular belief, one of the HIGHEST and MOST COVETED honors bestowed at New Haven North Elementary at that time was the Orange Belt of Courage. I know what you're thinking: "Oh my god Boy Gaga, is the Orange Belt of Courage what I think it is?"

Yes folks, please stay in your seats while I regale you with tales of my awesomeness.

The aforementioned Orange Belt of Courage separated the men from the boys. It galvanized the line between good and evil. It gleaned the righteous from the wicked. It elevated it's bearer to new heights upon Mount Olympus!

Dear readers, the Orange Belt of Courage showed one and all, that the special he or she who wore this mighty trophy, was indeed.....a Hall Monitor.

Did I just hear you scoff at this momentous achievement? Psshaw! I'll have you know that only the elite of the elite were allowed to become Hall Monitors. The selection process was a lot like becoming a Navy S.E.A.L. Don't believe me? I know how to kill a man only using a Pink Pearl eraser.

In my best Daniel Day Lewis voice from Gangs of New York: In the eye, that's a kill. Through the ear, that's a kill. Up the nose, that's a kill.

So, besides the rigorous year-long training program we also were required to brave the hazards of the playground during recess. The playground blacktops are were all the action happens. This is where the bonafide hardcore Hall Monitors are separated from the wannabe Bathroom monitors.

This was the sight of my uberlame April Fool pranks. Without getting into the wack details I pretty much told young kids that they were in trouble and had to go to the Principal's office. For some reason, my friends and I thought this was the most hilarious thing. Obviously some kids didn't realize what day it was and often kinda freaked out.

In hind sight, I probably could have really abused my Hall Monitor powers and extorted some extra cartons of milk from some 1st or 2nd graders (the 3rd graders were usually bigger than me already).

So, that's my lame story of the day. What's more believable, that I was a Hall Monitor that didn't abuse my powers or that I was a Hall Monitor and still had friends?

That's all from me right now. I hope the initial 3 months of the new decade treated you well. Oh, Parts 3 and 4 of The Cerulean are up. Part 5 will be up soon. I'm trying to update it atleast twice a week...until writer's block hits or until I can't figure out where to take the story anymore.

If anybody out there is reading it and if it totally doesn't suck let me know. If it totally does suck, don't tell me, because I'll hate you forever. I'm just kidding, I like constructive criticism. No I don't, I'll fucking stab you. I'm just playing, I like the feed back. I really don't, don't say anything. Seriously though, let me know what you think. Actually, I don't give a shit what you think, if you don't like it I'll shove this eraser through your temple and scramble your brain!

On that strange schizophrenic note...Boy Gaga out!

Whale Jizz...

Yes, the absurdity of my blog titles continue...

So now, you are wondering, why mention whale jizz? And please, don't get this confused with WHALE JAZZ! Though I hear whale jazz is pretty freakin awesome.

You got the spazmatic stylings of Samson the Spermwhale on the Keys. The always gnarly Nicolai the Narwhal manning the bass. And that sexy, smooth brotha Oleander the Orca playing sweet heaven on the sax.

SIDE NOTE: Damn, I really need to upgrade to Photoshop or something. I'm still using the regular "paint" program that all computers come with. Sorry for the picture quality folks, you get what you pay for. And since NONE of ya'll have decided to donate to the Reset Button Image Quality Improvement Commission (RBIQIC), you're gonna have to suffer through some crappy graphics.

OK, back to the whale jizz...shoot, I'm pretty sure I'll never have to type or say that again for the next three life times.

SIDE NOTE: If in a previous life I was ever alive in the New England region in the 1800's I'm pretty sure I would have wanted to be a whaler. Those guys were all balls. You would go out to sea following the biggest animals on earth, then you would climb into a 12 foot dingy and try to kill it with a pointy stick. BALLS! Wait.....on second thought, I'd probably just be a whaler groupie. I'll just stay on land and eat crab cakes. CRAB CAKES!

The reason I bring all of this whaling topics up is due to my initial reaction when trying a new hair product. I'm sure you just said: WTF???

What do whales have to do with hair products? I know what you're thinking...you think I want to use this stuff in the fabulous new product I'm engineering (see below for more details)...but no, I do not plan to do that. Besides, whale products are too common, much too low brow from my wonder product (name still pending).

I got a new hair product to try and get that delicate balance of "holding power" and "no-so-gelled" look. Here's my problem, as some of you might know - or even share my conundrum - My hair is very, very coarse. Coarse enough to get splinters from. Hair splinters? Surely you jest Mr. Reset Button! I only wish I was jesting. Some of you out there have witnessed, my hair is indeed potent enough to penetrate skin.

I'm like a super hero...with a really, really lame power.

I've tried gels, mousses and pomades (I think I will try hair spray next) with a goal of getting a styled looked without having it be too stiffy or get flaky after a few hours. This lead me to try a new product (thus far the results have been so-so).

It is a mousse. When I applied some of this product into my hand I was a bit too generous with the portions. I had about a ball of mousse slightly larger than a golf ball of mouse in my tiny hand. Without much thought I quickly splattered this into my semi-wet hair.

KABOOM...

Did you know "dork" is the name of a whale's penis? At least, I think that's true...

It looked like a whale had an orgasmic adventure on my cranium.

No matter how many times I ran my fingers through my hair I couldn't get enough product out. I was going to be late for work if I tried to take a quick shower so instead I started grabbing tissues and tried to pull out the mousse that way.

Mistake number two.

The mousse was so viscous that the tissues were getting too wet and was breaking up into little pieces in my head. So now, not only did I look like a whale had just cum on my head, it looked like the whale was being an asshole and gave me shitty tissue paper to try and clean myself up with. Boy, did I feel like a two dollar hooker.

At that point I decided it would be better to risk being a few minutes late and stuck my head in the shower.

So folks what is the lesson I want you to learn from all this?

Don't be a $2 whale prostitute. Its not worth it.


SLTSFFM

I'd like to make myself believe,
That planet Earth, turns, slowly,
It's hard to say I'd rather stay,
Awake when I've asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems,
When I'm asleep.

"Fireflies" by Owl City